I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Where are you guys?
Drunk
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize