Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
