my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
