Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
