That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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