I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize