He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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