fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
