Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
