Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
