I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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