You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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