whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
