oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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