well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
