she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
