you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize