sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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