Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
barbara walters just said penis...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize