It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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