ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
