im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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