The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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