so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize