While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
