never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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