if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
