just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
