im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
