he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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