I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
