Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
