The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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