So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I woke up under a house in Key West
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
