it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize