Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
