youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
