the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
