remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
