she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
