I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
