I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
