Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
