He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
