Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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