I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
