just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
