cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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