I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize