Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
