Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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