I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
