1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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