Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
