I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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