yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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