life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so let's talk penis.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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