Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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